The Day I Stopped Peeing in Public

Wait a second, that title is grossly misleading.  When I mean "in public" I mean, public restrooms.  Not like on the street..unless I'm hiking in the woods or, you know, it's a long car ride and the gas station bathroom has syphilis on the toilet seats.

Anyways...Returning from running an errand, I find myself sprinting to the ladies room to "relieve" myself and I am reminded of how strong my bladder is.

How strong you ask?  Let's just put it this way, if the Golden Gate arches were strung along my bladder I would be able to handle the weight of rush-hour gridlock.  But do not be mistaken, I was not born this way, oh no. This skill was honed over years and years of holding it in during school. I kid you not, all day I would not use the restroom. All. Day.

Many have asked, how did you accomplish this?  Well, sit right back and let me tell you a story.  <clears throat>

It was a warm sunny April afternoon in California. I was in the 9th grade enjoying the freedom that most high-schooler’s do. I believe it was between 1st and 2nd period when I needed to go pee-pee. I grabbed my backpack and set off on my journey. When I arrived at my destination I was happy to find that I was alone. Any woman who has issues with peeing in the company of others can empathize with me on this one. I settled on stall number three and proceeded to go on with my business. No sooner had I dropped my backpack and lined the toilet seat when in came a group of "mean girls", and no not the Lindsay Lohan type, I'm talking huge, butch, I'm-gonna-kick-your-ass-just-because type. You could even call them "Women" with extreme amounts of testosterone, but I digress.

I froze like a deer in headlights. What did they want? Why were they here? Did they know I was here? Of course they did you idiot. They could see your feet and backpack.

I tried, ever-so-gingerly, to "go" when I heard a horrific sound. It was the sound of stall doors being kicked in followed by cackling laughter. And the sound was getting closer...


Closer.... (I am REALLY hoping you are picturing the scene in Dumb and Dumber when Lloyd is in the bathroom and the trucker finds him)

A pair of steel-toe boots emerge just outside my door and I hold my breathe.


"Ummmm, someone's in here" I meekly say.

More laughter....

"Uhh....almost done.." I almost considered crawling underneath the separating wall into the next stall, when the steel-toe boots gave up and started to move away.  The laughing grew distant and finally the restroom door closed and I was alone. I picked up my bag, exited the stall, washed my hands and left that bathroom forever.

I have since gone back to using public restrooms, but not without a bit of apprehension. I still can't go if someone else is in there and not "going" but simply waiting for me to leave so that they can take a public dump. And I'm still hesitant to enter a restroom if I see someone go in right before me. But it's getting better. I'm conquering my fear.  And one day, I shall be victorious!